What do I want? Motherhood vs Career

The last few months I have been watching discussions on the cause of low fertility around the world and what it would take to fix it. 

Many people believe the focus on society encouraging women to seek higher education and careers is the reason people are having less kids. 

Another talking point is the availability and legalization of abortion and other birth control. We've come a long way from an abundance of teenage pregnancies to teens getting birth control pills and condoms from the school nurse. 

I went the higher education and career route. While I was in college, my roommates were obsessed with boys. Many of them ended up marrying the boys they met in college. 

Meanwhile, I was obsessed with making money. I studied personal finance books to understand everything I could about being wise with my paychecks. 

I started a business because I saw that as a quicker way to get rich. 

My reason for wanting to get rich? I wanted money to open a boarding school. I wanted a place that orphans could go to. And I wanted to finance the whole thing by myself. 

Now here I am at 32 years old no closer to my goal of a boarding school. Was it worth it? Should I have been searching for a husband in college instead of focused on working for the first time in my life? 

I don't know. Maybe I never believed I could find a husband who could financially support my vision of a large family. I definitely didn't put in enough effort to finding someone worth dating. 

So where does that leave me? 

I'm 32 years old now. I don't want to be one of the 39 year olds who are single and childless. I don't want to be having this same discussion 7 years from now when things will be much harder and having a baby will be mostly off the table. 

The biological clock inside of women is real and not something women make up. Before when I was 18 I had no desire to get married right away and getting pregnant was the last thing on my mind. Now as I feel time running out, I don't know what I think anymore. 

Today, I am more jealous of the moms with 15 kids and 20+ grandkids than I am of the women who have sold their businesses for $100 million. I used to tell myself I'd rather have the successful business but I'm slowly starting to bend on that belief. 

I've been blessed to have a large family growing up. I had 5 siblings, 9 aunts and uncles, and 50+ cousins. In all that time I didn't care about how rich or poor my family was. I didn't care how big our house was. I was surrounded by people I loved and that was all that mattered. 

So I have to ask myself, did I fall for lies? Did I believe a career would be more fulfilling than a family? 

One thing I will need to overcome is trusting someone else to financially provide for me. If I have kids I want to be a stay at home mom. My brain works best when I have one major thing that takes my focus. I know trying to build a business and be a mom will be too much for me. 

So what do I do? I've read a little bit of Mom's who have become single mothers by choice. They go to a fertility clinic and pay for sperm donors so they don't have to worry about marriage. The women who do this are financially stable, have support systems in place, and for the most part the kids come out fine. More studies will need to be done in the future as more women accept this option but so far there doesn't seem to be any negative consequences on the childs well-being. 

Could I be a single mother? Having $1 million in the bank would help a ton. 10% gains in the S&P500 each year would allow me to comfortably withdraw $40,000 a year. If I'm staying home and not paying for childcare it's doable. 

Housing would be the biggest budget item. One bedroom apartments are in the $1200-$1500 range in New Mexico. I could keep my 4 acres of land in rural New Mexico and put a mobile home on it. If I do this, my mortgage would be under $1,000. 

The downside of that option is I don't have a support system near me. I am far from stores and would really need to plan ahead for groceries, supplies and any other items. I would miss out on 2 day shipping and 2 hours instarcart deliveries. It takes 5 business days for items to reach my post office and I have to drive 20 miles to pick it up. 

I guess the question is, how badly do I want it? How badly do I want to be a mother? Or, how badly do I not want to be childless and single at 39 years old?